The Colbert Report/Episode/543
Production Info |- |} |- |} Intro Pundits Discuss Castro * Dr. Colbert removed an Official Stephen Colbert WristStrong Wrist Awareness Bracelet and threw it into His Mob * as the adulation subsided he was reminded by how much it felt like being alone in front of a mirror * Cuba is dominating the news ** Obama opened the floodgates of Cuban-Americans visiting their relatives, which opened the Mouthgates (American pundit speak holes) *** especially on this week's This Week With George Stephanopoulos This Week * Pundits discuss how they want to see Fidel Castro die ** Peggy Noonan described her fantasy of Fidel Castro seeing see American tourists from his hospital bed jumping up and down and taking his picture as "a good way to go" ** Sam Donaldson would like to be at Fidel Castro's bedside to ask him if he assassinated JFK on November 22, 1963 * How does Sam Donaldson know when JFK was assassinated!? ** Donaldson's hair was the grassy knoll * Castro Death Wish List * Dr. Colbert is hoping to give Castro ... ** a disease that makes him unable to move ** so he can shave off his beard, ** dye it red, white and blue ** weave it into a bib that Stephen makes him wear! ** then force feed him hot dogs and apple pie ** then make him watch the roundtable on This Week With George Stephanopoulos This Week Pirates! * Dr. Colbert has been warning America for years about pirates ** they're terrorizing us with more than just their puffy snacks * Somali pirates have hijacked many ships, including the Maersk Alabama ** U.S. Navy rescued the captain and no one was hurt *** assuming it doesn't hurt when you're shot in the head by a sniper * Obama's has a two-pronged plan to combat these pirates: :# tax top 2% of pirates :# Hillary Clinton suggests that when dealing with this 17th century crime, America needs a 21st century solution ::* Dr. Colbert wonders if that 21st century solution might be an anti-piracy iPhone ap, the iArr * Ron Paul suggested an 18th century solution ** Letters of Marque and Reprisal, which offers private citizens rewards to hunt down pirates themselves *** they were quite popular during War of 1812, when federal government tried to defend New Orleans **** His Mob cheered wildly because they're fans of Andrew Jackson * granting vigilantes the right to shoot people on the high seas is the free market at its best * Competitive Enterprise Institute's Eli Lehrer believes it's a good thing, saying; ::"If we have 100 American wannabe Rambos patrolling the seas, it's probably a good way of getting/the job done." * Dr. Colbert is ripped and he has his own boat * As Privateer Colbert, he would: ** ride the waves with his shirt open to the navel ** storm pirate ships ** save a beautiful lady hostages ** command a crew of ghostly skeletons ** all while his crab confidant plays him songs on seashells * Dr. Colbert welcomes his guest, a man whio doesn't have to fantasize about kicking pirate booty because he lived through it, Ken Quinn (http://www.bradenton.com/847/story/1355240.html), the second mate of the Maersk Alabama * the second mate is twice as good as the first mate * the Maersk was flying the American flag ** if they had been flying the Canadian flag, the pirates would have left them alone like so many backpackers in Europe * the pirates boarded the ship (which was nearly four stories high) ** with a special ladder that could have been purchased from the Marine Supply catalog ** instead of just having the older pirates throw the teenaged ones onboard * in the event of pirates boarding the ship, Quinn and his fellow merchant mariners: ** took a muster (the military's word for roll call) ** made sure all the doors were locked ** 14 of them barricaded themselves in a void space for 10 hours *** this is similar to what Dr. Colbert would have done, except he would have added weeping and begging * it wasn't clear if, after 10 hours locked in the room, whether they were sizing each other up to see who would get eaten ** in long elevator rides, Dr. Colbert checks his fellow passengers for their marbling * Quinn vows he will go back to sea ** lead a cheer for "American seamen" ** will join Dr. Colbert on his two-man paddle boat to go after pirates Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger * Our Lord said, * Dr. Colbert warns "ye" to get ready for another edition of Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger * recent Rassmussen Poll ** 75% of Texans would not secede, which was part of their series on "Polls That Would Have Made Sense in 1868" *** the next question would have been "Does Dr. Hiram J. Fixem's Menthylated Elixir Cure Horse Lung?" (it does) * Wag to Texans who want to stay in the U.S. ** Dr. Colbert wants to know, "What's the matter Texas, are ya yella?" ** he recommends that while the Democrats are tearing the country apart the only way to save it is to keep ripping! *** following that with a hearty Yee-Haw! * Texas governor Rick Perry complained that the Obama Administration had an "oppressive hand" in Texas ** in the form of $555 million dollars for unemployment insurance with "strings attached" * Dr. Colbert suggests to Perry that if he wants $555 million without strings, he should make Texas a bank * when Texas joined the union in 1848, they joined with unique legal rights: ** the right to secede ** the right to set the world's record in executions every year * Tip to Mid America Croplife Association (MACA) ** for holding the Obama's accountable for their organic White House garden * Dr. Colbert has always been against organic food ** the only thing that Dr. Colbert would eat picked by a hippie is an autoharp ** MACA sent first family a letter recommending they use current agricultural technology and recognize the value of America's current agricultural technologies * Dr. Colbert agrees, without the "technologies" MACA recommends the world wouldn't have Monsanto's Roundup Ready Soybeans, which are resistant to the herbicide, glyphosate ** Dr. Colbert wonders if our crops are not doused with glyphosate, how will the run-off get into our fish!? *** The Mob show their love for the taste of glyphosate * MACA knows that spraying our crops with an insecticide is like eating an apple pie with dibromochloropropane crust * after viewing a classic commercial for Raid! Dr. Colbert is reminded of Beefsteak-Raid-matoes! ** after one bite all you could say was, "Mmm!" because your tongue was paralyzed Interview * Sheriff Joe Arpaio ** book: "Joe's Law: America's Toughest Sheriff Takes on Illegal Immigration, Drugs and Everything Else That Threatens America" * known as America's toughest sheriff, but can he teach Opie to be a man? * Dr. Colbert has respect for any man who wears a .45 caliber tie clip ** might be loaded * famous for not taking any guff from his prisoners ** instituted chain gangs for both male and female prisoners ** makes them wear pink underwear (so they don't steal them and resell them) ** banned smoking, coffee, movies, pornography, unrestricted TV ** feed the inmates twice a day with meals costing no more than 15 and 20 cents ** has a posse of 3,000 * knowing all of this, Dr. Colbert asks why there are people outside picketing The Eagle's Nest? ** people were chanting things about Joe The Sheriff *** many things rhyme with Arpaio * he has been accused of abusing his power * focuses to much on illegal immigration ** to the detriment of other law enforcement * Joe the Sheriff says they're liars and their accusations are a cop out ** and that he locks up everybody who commits a crime *** which is why Dr. Colbert has him on the show tonight (he doesn't trust some in his Mob) * he doesn't profile ** he can discern people are Hispanicness without using his eyeballs * he won't show his ID to Stephen ** his parents came to America illegally from Italy * has 160 deputies ** received 5 weeks of trained by federal government agencies (ICE, Immigration and Customs) ** any person committing a crime they come across they pursue immigration status as well (according to their "training") * Dr. Colbert asks Joe The Sheriff what behavior he would have to exhibit in order to be suspected of being an illegal immigrant ** Joe The Sheriff lists a few: *** speeding *** cracked window *** DUI ** doesn't ask suspects for ID unless they're already committed a crime * he doesn't just throw people in jail without also asking for ID ** he took an oath to enforce all laws and abide by the Constitution ** he follows all the laws including Habeas Corpus * Joe The Sheriff favors a border wall ** Stephen wants one with a flaming pit of alligators as well ** Mexico may have ladder technology * was regional director of Mexico * still won't show his I.D. ** is carrying a weapon--which might be loaded--giving Sheriff Stephen probable cause to take him in * Dr. Colbert suggests the wall be made out of jails ** when they try to jump over, they fall right in, and you lock the door * he is a Pulitzer Prize winner Epilogue * Dr. Colbert's only regret was all the stuff he had to cut because His Mob wouldn't stop cheering! ** this was followed by more cheering Gallery This is an abbreviated gallery. For the full gallery, click here File:Purple-Mounted.jpg File:FlingWristStrong.jpg File:WaitWaitWait.jpg File:WaitASecond-Angry.jpg File:DonaldsonGrassyKnoll.jpg File:KenQuinn4-20-2009.jpg File:SCWag.jpg File:ProfileWithoutEyeballs.jpg File:SC'sIllegalImmigrantBehavior.jpg File:ArpaioConsidersColbertBehavior.jpg Official Truthy Videos * Colbert Nation Home Tube External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments